I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Randomize
