She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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