Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
