the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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