Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
