I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
