theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
