there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
