I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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