i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
