i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
