i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
