ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
