Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
