the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
