Porn is love you can see.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
