The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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