Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
