He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Randomize
