Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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