I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
