Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
