when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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