Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
