I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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