I wish I only lived at night.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
