Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
