If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
