can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
