On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
