I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
last night I used snow as a chaser
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
