On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
