just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
