I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
