Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
