When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
