i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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