I could make wine with my vomit
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
