I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
