Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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