I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
