Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
