Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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