you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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