I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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