Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
