I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
