I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Swine flu. Run for my life!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
