Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
