I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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