Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
