I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
