yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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