Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
