I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
