Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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