Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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