The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
