On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
so much tequila, so little girl.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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