Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
