My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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