So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
