I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
