Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
