The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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