Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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