i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
